By: Amber Harbin
**This post has a lot of emotional content within it and bullying/other abusive behavior is discussed as well.**
For most of my life, I have thought something was wrong with me. My self-esteem was ripped to pieces at an early age and I could not stand who I was. Thank God I am not where I use to be. As Joyce Meyer says, "I may not be where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be." It wasn't my fault that I had a low self-esteem, but I should have learned not to wallow in self-pity. I want to share some deep and personal memories in this post. Believe it or not, I am a private person. It is hard to believe since I have a blog, want to have more blogs, and I have a twitter account. Why would I be on social media and have a blog if I was a private person? Well, first off I believe I have a message to spread. That message is that God loves everyone, accepts everyone, and there is nothing wrong with the LGBT community. I want to save a life. I want to have someone feel like they are not alone when they read my posts. Also, I never really had anyone to talk to growing up. Sure, I had a couple best friends but it is more complicated than you think. Between moving around a lot and getting older, friendships tend to die and people go their own separate ways.
I've never been allowed to talk or given freedom of expression, if you will. Every time I would open my mouth to say a word, I was told to shut up and I was always put down. My mother was really dysfunctional, so when my family called me, "Pam Junior" or put me down, it really got to me. My family told me all my mom did was talk and never learned to shut up. They would run when they saw her coming. She was a drama queen. All I wanted to do was have a conversation or talk to someone, but every time I was made to feel like I didn't deserve to talk. From the beginning, most of my family has compared me to my mother and never sees good in me. When you are a child and you are told how fat you are, it brings you down. If your own mother says she hates you, wishes she had an abortion, and would beat you mercilessly, it would bring you down. If your family compares you to your crazy mother, doesn't really talk to you, puts you down for your weight, and treats you like an outcast, it can bring you down. If some of your family hate you for having blue eyes, blonde hair, and pale skin, you tend to think you are a disease. Not only did my family put me down for those things, but people at school did too. I was even ashamed to be white, because I was put down by others who were a different color than me. I didn't understand. I don't see "color". Never have, never will. My brain figured if my mother rejects me, my father doesn't want me, and my own family hates me, something must be wrong with me.
I wish I could go back to the past and tell myself how wrong the family was about me. When I look back at my baby pictures, I see a beautiful and adorable little girl. I don't see the horrible things they said about me. I have learned that nothing is wrong with me, in fact, they are the ones that need help. I learned over the years that the family has a cycle of hurting each other. They are insecure, hateful, love causing drama, and are way beyond dysfunctional. Them putting me down and making me feel like crap made them feel better temporarily. It gives them some kind of sick power and rush, but it doesn't cure their pain does it? I know they are in pain. I know that. Still, it doesn't excuse what you do to someone. We were supposed to be a family, but we never were. It is like a circus that should have been disbanded a long time ago. My family lives to hurt each other and doesn't want to see each other succeed. I had to make a decision and get away from most of them. There are more people I am going to weed out of my life, but for now I have done what I needed to do.
I forgive my family for what they have done and I forgive all my enemies who have put me down. Yes, I've been bullied, rejected, and beaten. It made me stronger in the end. No child deserves to be abused or hurt in any kind of way. I would never wish any pain or my pain on anyone else. I am stronger because of it and it is going to make me live a good life. I didn't have a good beginning, but I am going to have a great ending. The middle of it is going to be just as fantastic as the ending. You have a choice. PLEASE accept yourself. Love yourself for who you are. Even if your family rejects you and puts you down, keep the faith. They are the ones who can't see what greatness you have. You are beautiful, amazing, and important! Believe that with all your heart and do not let anyone bring you down. You have a mission and a purpose in this world.
God put me on this earth for a reason. Believe me, many times I wished I was never born. Every time I would hear Martina McBride's 'Concrete Angel' song, I would always burst out crying when she sung about the girl wishing she was never born. I felt it deep in my heart that God made a mistake. GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. Yes, I went through hell and back, but I am still here. If I didn't go through what I did, who knows what kind of person I would have become. Everything happens for a reason and God has delivered me from the "Egypt" in my life. He is still leading me to my "promised land" and he is doing the same for you. Stop going around the same desert in your life and throw away the negativity. You are God's masterpiece and you are here for a reason.
Please accept yourself. I will accept you for who you are. Be yourself, love. Stay original because copies are not the same. They might look the same, but they are so different. Would you rather be a miserable copy or the original masterpiece God created you to be. You choose.
With Love,
Amber.
Posted in faith, Hiatus, Holy Spirit, LGBT